Joey's Valentine Woes
by The Mamberz
Summary: Valentine's Day is upon Domino City and Joey has decided that he will not go another year without his One True Love. Or a Valentine. And who could be better than the one and only Seto Kaiba? Now all Joey has to do is convince Seto of that.


Disclaimer: Yeah. Seto and Joey? They're mine. All _mine._ And there's nothing you and your little lawyer friends can do about it. -A team of ninja-lawyers comes to cart her away- Okay. Maybe not _all_ mine. Just a little bit. -Ninja-lawyers brandish menacing weapons- Okay. Not at all. I don't own _anything_. Just my little hopes and dreams of my very own Joey. And Seto. That will eventually be mine. -Cough-

Author's Notes: Hey, all! This is a rewrite of an old story I did under a different account name, so if it seems vaguely familiar, its 'cause I pretty much scrapped the old one and started over. Much better, now. Anyhow, if you've read any of my old stories on my old account, they are all being redone, so keep an eye out for the new and improved versions if you like my newer writing style!

Warnings: This story is Seto/Joey. Some cussing. Slight off-the-wall humor. Because it makes me giggle so.

* * *

**Joey's Valentine Woes**

Joey had a predicament. Joey had a _very, very __**bad**_ predicament.

No, he had not stumbled across a plot for some evil megalomaniac to take over the world via means of dueling adolescents with playing cards. No, he had not discovered that his teachers were, in fact, Satan spawns intent on failing him from every single class – it _so_ had nothing to do with the fact that he couldn't be bothered to do his homework, alright? This predicament didn't even have anything to do with the fact that he couldn't locate the TV remote.

Now, the readers are probably thinking, But if it doesn't have anything to do with world domination, evil teachers from hell, or lost TV remotes, it couldn't be all _that_ bad, right? And Joey would admit that the readers are partially correct. It wasn't the end of the world. But it was _still_ a bad predicament. Oh yes. _Yes, it was_.

And all because of a stupid _day_.

But that was okay. Because Joey, being the incorrigible optimist that he is, was sure that he could fix this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

You see, today was Valentine's Day, and Joey – incorrigible optimist though he may be – was tired of being alone every year, and had decided to remedy that lonely fact. He was going to get himself a Valentine with his One True Love before the day was out, or_ so help him God_.

And now the readers are probably wondering how on earth will Joey just go out and find his One True Love in the mere 24 hours – if one does not count the first eight hours that were spent snoring away, waking with a jolt to realize he almost slept in, and then primping in front of a mirror to prepare for his One True Love - that make up this fateful day?

Well. That was simple. Joey was going to make Seto Kaiba confess his undying love to him.

_Duh_.

Now that the readers are questioning Joey's mental stability at throwing himself to the mercies of Kaiba's wrath – Kaiba was never a lovey-dovey romance type, that one - Joey should probably elaborate on his plan.

…Well, actually, he didn't really have one. Not yet, at any rate.

But that was okay! _Nothing_ could go wrong for him today! Joey had long ago come to the conclusion that Seto Kaiba was in love with him. Which should help immensely for when Joey would finally convince Kaiba that yes, Kaiba _did_ want to announce to the world that he was in love with the irresistible Joey. _Totally foolproof_. Who needs a plan when you've got facts like those?

Now the readers are probably raising a questioning eyebrow at Joey. Kaiba? In _love?_ _With __**Joey?**_ Anyone who knew the two would agree that this was ridiculously preposterous. They were on complete opposite ends of the spectrum – a happy, lovable ball of sunshine, and an ice cold bastard with a heart of stone, in Joey's most professional and non-biased opinion.

It was a known fact that Joey and Seto couldn't be within ten feet of each other without picking a fight. Teachers even had to make sure that their desks were not within strangling distance of each other during school. After one too many near-death experiences to the school's main beneficiary, the School Board decided to make a school mandate on how far away Joey's and Kaiba's desks had to be.

(Although, in a process that did _not_ involve Joey or large tidy sums of money from his life's savings in any sort of way, the teachers always seemed to forget about that little school mandate, and usually sat the two next to each other anyway.)

They just couldn't seem to keep their hands off each other. If the teachers weren't so sure that the two teenagers absolutely loathed each other, they would have thought that the hormone-induced teenagers _wanted_ each other.

And not in a homicidal bloodlust sort of way, either.

It was when Joey overheard two teachers gossiping about this theory behind their notorious fights that he realized his own feelings for the brunette.

He loved to pick fights with him. Lived for them. It was the highlight of his day. He began to realize that he would involuntarily antagonize him, just to be near him. To see those icy blue eyes dancing in amusement at the blonde's fiery reaction when Joey could not come up with a witty retort to whatever scathing dog insult the brunette had just uttered.

And whenever their verbal fights became physical, and Joey had successfully tackled the CEO – school mandates be _damned_ – he would find his hands lingering just a little bit longer on his skin before he proceeded to attempt to choke off the CEO's windpipe.

As he came to the horrifying conclusion that he was head-over-heels crazy for Kaiba, he then began to realize something. The CEO was doing the same damn things that he was!

Every class, out of the corner of his eye, Joey could _feel_ those piercing eyes watching his every move. But every time he turned around to look, Kaiba always seemed to be occupied with something else, like reading a book or working on his ever present laptop, which might have been a fifth limb if Joey didn't know better.

Even though Joey never actually caught Seto in the act of staring at him, he knew it was true. He wasn't being paranoid, dammit, like Tristan was so happy to provide as an explanation when Joey began to voice his suspicions.

Kaiba had to be in love with him. He had even created his own pet name! Seto almost never called him the annoying _mutt_, but instead changed to the more endearing pet name, _pup_.

And Joey came to the sudden realization that civilization as he knew it would never be the same. Because he actually started to _like_ it when Kaiba called him his puppy.

He could feel the laws of the universe unraveling at the impossibility.

Well, now that today was the day of love confessions, Joey decided to help his One True Love with his. After all, it was a known fact that Kaiba had the social skills of a stump, and probably would not know how to go about asking Joey to be his Valentine. Luckily for the CEO, he had Joey.

Now all Joey needed was a plan.

After Joey had decided to make Kaiba confess his love, he had explained his situation to his friends, and asked for their help. He needed some ideas.

Yugi just smiled innocently and patted his shoulder reassuringly. The short boy told him to just be himself. Kaiba would surely follow his heart, and confess to him in his own time, without any help.

Joey snorted.

_Right_. Like _that_ was going to happen.

Joey next turned to the friend he had known the longest. Tristan brandished his fist at the thought of the CEO and yelled that Kaiba was an arrogant, stuck-up bastard with no sense of decency at all.

Joey nodded solemnly in agreement. Very true. But that wasn't really any help to The Plan.

When Joey asked Ryou for tips on how to woo the blue-eyed brunette, the British boy's eyes glazed over for a few moments. It took Joey a second before he realized he was conversing with his yami. With a sudden blink, Ryou then informed Joey that Bakura offered to use his superior thieving skills to break into the Kaiba mansion to steal the top-secret Kaiba Diary so that he could read any secret Kaiba fantasies he had about the blonde.

Joey thought about it really hard. Very tempting, but breaking-and-entering was _probably_ not the best way to start out a relationship with him.

Then Marik appeared out of nowhere, giving Joey a heart attack, and offered to control Kaiba's mind with his millennium rod so that Joey could act out all of those sexual fantasies with him. Though, only on the condition that the psychotic spirit got a chance to Xerox copy said diary.

Joey laughed nervously. Backed away slowly. And ran for the hills. _No thank you_.

He was obviously getting nowhere.

He had wondered aloud if maybe he should just wing it. Tristan's jaw had dropped, and furiously reminded him what happened the _last_ time he decided to 'wing it.' Something along the lines of Joey, Tristan, and a stolen monkey from the zoo spending the night in jail with a motorcycle gang.

Okay. Maybe winging it wasn't really Joey's forte. Back to square one.

So now the Big Day was finally here, and Joey still had no Plan.

He decided that perhaps the best plan of action would be to give subtle hints to the brunette, so that Seto would think that he was not being manipulated to Joey's whim, which consisted of Seto kissing the blonde in the setting sun, and declaring his undying love. With maybe a hot, steamy lemon at the end.

So maybe that was a little wishful – not to mention getting quite ahead of himself - but he had to have some sort of goal. And what better goal than a stolen scene from some cheesy B-rated lovey-dovey romance flick?

_Foolproof_.

Joey was now walking to school, and not in a very good mood considering he would soon be in the arms of his One True Love. After making sure he looked as sexy as hell – it took a long time to make his hair look like a rat's nest - he thought that maybe perfecting his seductive swagger would be a good start to his Plan. He had been practicing in front of the mirror in his bathroom, taking notes on how he looked with his hips swaying from side to side.

But, being the graceful person that he is, about a minute into his practice session, he had tripped over a stray towel that had been waiting to ambush him from the floor, and fell flat on his face. Unfortunately, Joey's bathroom was rather small, so instead of falling to the floor, his face was abruptly introduced to the unforgiving porcelain of the toilet bowl.

Joey's nose was not pleased with Joey's clumsiness, and throbbed angrily.

It was not a good sign for the start of the day, but Joey didn't pay it any mind. Mainly because he has the common sense of a pile of rocks. As far as the oblivious blonde was concerned, nothing could go wrong today because Seto was going to confess to him, dammit!

He heard the school bell ring shrilly in this distance, and realized belatedly that he had spent too much time primping, which _so_ was not a girly thing to do. It was totally normal for a boy to spend two hours, fifteen minutes, and thirty-seven seconds doing his hair. _Really_.

He sprinted off to class as quickly as he could. He burst through classroom door only a few minutes late, earning him a heated glare from the interrupted teacher, clutching his side and trying to gain his breath.

After the teacher told him to take a seat before she sent him into detention, Joey looked up and saw his favorite and worst brunette. Damn Kaiba for sitting there, looking so sexy like that in public, where he was unable to jump and ravish him. _Damn him_.

Joey straightened up quickly, smoothing out the wrinkles in his shirt and double checking that his hair was perfectly unruly in a come-and-take-advantage-of-me sort of way. Now was the time to put that whole sixty seconds of practicing into action. He held his head up high and walked with an overly exaggerated sway to his hips.

Walking as smoothly as it was possible for Joey to do - meaning he crashed through the classroom with the grace of a charging bull - he stopped by Kaiba's desk, stooping down to purr a seductive good morning in his ear.

There was a whole second of silence in which Seto stopped typing and turned to stare blankly at the blonde, and Joey did an inner victory dance. _Success_! He puckered his lips, ready to accept his victory kiss.

Then Kaiba had to go and be his bastard self and shatter Joey's fantasy of doing hot, steamy adult things on the school desk, forever scarring his teacher and classmates.

Kaiba turned back to his computer and resumed his typing. He didn't glance back when he oh-so-rudely informed Joey that if he insisted on waddling around like that, people would start mistaking him for a duck, instead of the puppy that he was.

Joey's face burned in rage. How dare he! He didn't _waddle_. It was a _seductive swagger_, dammit! And he was much sexier than a duck!

Joey glared darkly at the brunette, but as Kaiba was already absorbed into his computer screen, it was rather ineffective. After sending a muttered 'bastard' in the other teen's direction, he took his seat next to him.

He pouted to himself, crossing his arms. Well, Plan A: Operation Seductive Swagger was a horrible failure. He frowned. He still couldn't see how it could have let him down.

Well, no matter. The day was still young. Joey set to trying to think of a Plan B. He was still sure that the brunette was in love with him, and Seto's heart _would_ be his!

* * *

After a very unproductive hour of ignoring the teacher blabbering on about something or other – Joey had no use for anything that involved the word Math, or that damned letter x - Joey had still not come up with a decent plan of action for capturing and melting the icy heart of Seto's. 

He had sat all through class hour, putting his poor brain into overdrive, trying to think of a sufficient Plan B to convince Seto that Joey was indeed his Soul Mate, and they should not waste another second apart.

The thinking process wasn't working too well.

So far his spoils of war consisted of a beautiful purple bruise blossoming on his forehead from repeatedly banging it on the cold, hard wood of his desk. He had heard that this was supposed to help him think, shake up the creative juices in his brain and all, but it wasn't working either.

In fact, he was reasonably sure that he had burst a blood vessel or two in his brain. He tried to blink the stars out of his eyes. Huh. That couldn't be too good.

He had also managed to win himself a particularly large bump on the top of his head. The teacher whacked him with a ruler, screeching something about disrupting her class. Apparently his thinking was too loud.

His head now felt like a horrible, throbbing mass of unworldly _pain_.

Then he decided that a safer means of brainstorming might be a good idea. Means that did not involve physical abuse to his person.

He decided to do this by illustrating a detailed and complex plan that would leave no room for failure. It would be amazing, what with his great detailed-and-complex-plan thinking skills and all. Maybe he would even make a PowerPoint presentation, complete with pie graphs and color coded charts.

Twenty minutes of scribbling furiously on a piece of paper, he decided to analyze his work so far.

It still didn't help because all he had managed to draw was two stick people kissing with a little heart above them. He added a little Cupid arrow through the heart, for good measure.

But he already knew that part, so the piece of paper was rather useless. He crumpled it into a ball and tossed it on the floor in front of him (read: threw it with the force of a small canon). It rolled unhurriedly a few feet ahead (meaning: flew like a speeding bullet) to a few desks in front of him in the next row over and came to a rest next to a pair of expensive black shoes (reality: hit Kaiba hard in the back of the head and landed on the floor next to his shoes).

Joey gulped. Maybe he wouldn't pick it up. Yeah. Why would a billionaire be interested in random pieces of trash that just happened to be thrown in his direction?

A certain blue-eyed teen looked at the offending piece of paper that had attacked his person, before slowly bending over and picking it up and unfolding it. He stared blankly at the stick figure drawing for a few moments, blinking once, twice.

He then turned slowly, horror movie slowly, in his seat to give an unreadable, yet weird, look to the blonde.

Joey panicked. _Quick! Look innocent!_ He whistled loudly in what he thought was an innocent manner, which only earned him another hit to the head with the teacher's ruler. Joey rubbed his head, muttering mutinously under his breath about rulers being banned from school on the grounds of being used as weapons.

Joey took a small amount of comfort that Kaiba would never be able to prove that he made the note. Joey just thanked the heavens that he had decided against drawing the huge _Kaiba and Joey Make Out Session_ banner on the top, surrounded by winged messengers of love, like he had planned.

Then a thought occurred to him

Then again, maybe he _should_ have drawn it. Then the brunette would be forced realize that Joey was in love with him too, and then confess his True Love. _All according to the Plan_.

_Brilliant_.

He was just about to motion for Kaiba to give the paper back so he could finish his drawing for him when the teacher whacked him with her ruler once again for failing to sit down and shut up. Joey went back to pouting.

Finally the bell rang, and Joey raced out of the room to get away from his violent teacher. As he was wandering through the crowded halls, it finally came to him!

This Plan was ingenious! It was foolproof! It _could_ _not fail him_!

Joey tossed his head back and laughed diabolically in the hall way, causing innocent students to scatter away in fear. Innocent couples hurried to their next class, and one kid threw himself into his own locker.

The blonde walked toward his next period, brimming with confidence at the plan he would soon implement. As he finally came to the doorway of his next class, he paused, and was not at all surprised to see the brunette already sitting in his desk, long before class started up again, typing away on that infuriating laptop.

Joey glared darkly at the offending piece of technology. Why would Seto stare at that screen all day, when he could be staring at Joey?

Joey paused a moment. Actually, he was pretty sure that he _did_ stare at Joey all day. He just had yet to catch him doing it

Leaning against the doorway where Kaiba couldn't see him, Joey took a moment to study the brunette.

His impassive eyes stared ahead without any emotion, but he had learned to detect a subtle softening in them whenever they gazed at the blonde. Even during their fights, there was something different than before. Something less hateful and something more along the lines of fondness. Or indigestion. It was hard to tell with the CEO.

Joey then allowed his eyes a moment to trail over Kaiba's body. Kaiba had long ago given up his trench coat at school, along with his supposedly required school uniform. Today he was wearing a button-up black dress-shirt with the top button undone, allowing Joey a small glimpse of the smooth skin underneath. He was also wearing black slacks that hugged slightly around the hips. The all black ensemble gave him a deadly yet sexy aura.

Joey hurriedly tried to mop up the drool coming out of his mouth.

Shaking his head to focus his thoughts, it was time to put his unbeatable Plan into action. He walked into the class surreptitiously, wisely giving up on the seductive swagger. It just really wasn't working out from him.

As he came up to the brunette, Joey dug his foot into the ground and _'accidentally'_ tripped – because, he would _never_ do something like that on _purpose_. 'Cause he was, like, innocent and stuff – and fell right into the conveniently placed CEO's lap.

The blonde was actually rather surprised that he managed to pull it off without knocking over Kaiba's precious laptop. Not that he would have cared. It would have been an acceptable casualty, all in the name of Love.

But, he was pretty sure that Kaiba wouldn't see it that way. In fact, he would be willing to bet a month's allowance that Kaiba would probably make Joey scrub all of his floors to pay it off. All five stories of his mansion. By hand. With a toothbrush.

So Joey considered himself to be lucky.

Joey looked up into irritated, _angry_ cerulean eyes. Not quite the look that he was hoping for in the brunette, but it still managed to make Joey feel all warm and gooey inside. Damn him for being so hot.

The blonde at least had the grace to pretend to be embarrassed, and even managed to conjure a shy blush. Kaiba didn't look like he was buying it, and intensified his glare.

Joey stuttered a fake apology, all the while leaning in closer toward the taller teen until he was merely an inch away. He closed his eyes and puckered his lips, waiting for the brunette to take the all-too-obvious hint and kiss him like mad.

All he got were two very gorgeous hands, attached to two very strong arms, which were attached to a very sexy body, that gave him a very hard shove in the back.

Joey flew off the CEO's lap, and landed very ungracefully on his rear end, but not before his flight was brought to an abrupt end by a nearby desk, hitting his head on the corner.

Shit, that hurt!

His eye was very sore. He reached up to make sure it was not gushing blood. Today was not his day.

Seto didn't help matters by calling him a clumsy little puppy, and smirking that one day Joey would kill himself by falling down a sewer hole or something equally as stupid.

Joey blushed. He wasn't clumsy or stupid! It wasn't his fault that he just couldn't seem to think around the aggravating brunette. It wasn't _fair_. Kaiba had to go and be all hot and distracting. Kaiba was so mean to him!

How could the heartless bastard be so calm when he had a too-cute-for-his-own-good, ready-to-be-ravished blonde sitting right on top of him?

He just couldn't see how Plan B: Operation Everyone Loves a Lap Dance could have failed him.

He _knew_ Seto wasn't human. He had to be a robot in disguise. There's no way someone could have _that_ low of a sex drive to not take advantage of the very appealing blonde, in Joey's opinion.

Joey just shrugged to himself, as he trudged back towards his seat in the back of the classroom. That was okay. Robot or not, the blonde still loved Kaiba, and he was _pretty_ sure the brunette loved him too.

Now to construct a Plan C.

* * *

Thankfully for the blonde, Joey had managed to crawl back into his seat before his other classmates began to file into the room before the period started. He didn't want to have to explain as to why, exactly, he was lying on the ground by Kaiba's feet. 

Some conversations you just know will never turn out well.

He couldn't believe his other Plan had failed him. It had been perfect! He had spent precious minutes, pushing his brain to the limit – which is kind of sad, in itself – only to be thwarted by the cruel whims of fate.

Now he was back to square one, and he could only draw up a blank.

Besides, the fact that thinking was currently making his brain throb painfully inside of his skull was probably not very conducive to his efforts. His head was sore all over from a combination of the beatings he had concurred throughout the day from the toilet bowl, the teacher's weapon of choice (the ruler of doom), and the desk that broke his fall some few minutes ago.

Joey decided that all three were now classified as 'Evil.'

Joey really should have paid attention to these bad omens – though if he had, perhaps things would have turned out differently - but Joey never really paid attention to much of anything, unless it involved Kaiba, food, Kaiba, Duel Monsters, or maybe Kaiba.

Besides, in Joey's mind, Kaiba was going to finally confess, so what possibly could go wrong?

If only he knew the answers to that question. _If only. _

A braver man might have thrown in the towel and would have decided that there were better ways to end one's life. Like being eaten alive. Or bleeding out through castration. Surely these would have been preferable to what Joey would subject himself to.

As the class progressed, the teacher passed back their latest exams. Joey barely had a chance to look at it before his eyes were assaulted by an army of angry red slashes across the paper. He gave a large groan, seeing so many of the answers marked as wrong.

The teacher looked down at the forlorn blonde with slight pity, and suggested getting tutoring. Joey's head snapped up. What a wonderful idea!

Joey nearly flew out of and over his desk and latched himself to Seto's arm. He had moved so quickly, one might have thought that he had teleported to his side. Joey donned his wide, lopsided, hopeful grin. He explained that the brunette would just _love_ to help tutor him. Personally. Since he was, like, the smartest person in the _whole wide world_.

Apparently, as Joey found out a little too late, flattery does _not_ get you everywhere.

Being the compassionate, sweet person that Kaiba is – and here, the readers can take a moment to laugh hysterically at the utter lie that is - he was kind enough to give the blonde a swift kick to the shin. Joey threw a punch in retaliation for his disgraced shin while hopping around in complete _agony_, but to no avail.

The blue-eyed teen sneered in Joey's direction, saying that it was impossible to teach a puppy even simple kindergarten knowledge.

Seto narrowed his eyes dangerously at Joey, wearing that sinister yet sexy smirk on his face, daring the blonde to disagree. Joey tried to glare back, but instead he looked more like the pouting puppy that Kaiba claimed him to be.

Joey wasn't sure if he'd rather strangle him for being such an ass, or ravish him completely just for looking so _good_.

Then he took another look at Kaiba's taunting smirk, feeling the waves of arrogance coming off of the brunette, and decided he felt himself leaning towards the former rather than the latter.

Joey felt himself burning from anger again. He normally was always so cheerful and carefree! How was it that Kaiba managed to always get under his skin? Why did he even _like_ such a prat?

Then that annoying little voice in the back of his head answered his rhetorical question, saying that it was because Seto was sexy, smart, nice to you if you were Mokuba, and that his bastard side was a bit of a turn on.

Oh yeah. That's why.

Joey's eyes glazed over and got a faraway look in them, and he smiled dreamily up at Kaiba like the loony idiot that he is. Kaiba glanced almost worryingly at the blonde, who had started to drool slightly out of one corner of his mouth.

Joey was obviously not all there, and Kaiba wisely scooted his desk a couple of inches away in the opposite direction. Towards safety.

Joey pouted some more. Things really were not going according to the Plan today.

Joey tried to console himself by reasoning that Kaiba just had to back up a little bit to keep himself from jumping Joey in public. He _was_ one sexy blonde after all, and the proximity was just probably too much for the CEO to handle. Yeah, that had to be it.

He grinned again, pleased with his irrational reasoning. That had to be the reason. Why else would the brunette back away? It had already been decided that Kaiba was hopelessly in love with Joey, so there could be no other explanation.

Joey nodded to himself. Yep. Made _perfect_ sense.

Not one to be daunted by illogical rationalities or an increasingly irritated Kaiba, Joey trudged on in his quest to extract his confession from his One True Love.

All throughout class, Joey attempted to write little love poems to the taller teen – all mostly consisting of variations on the Roses are Red, Violets are Blue adage (Creative Writing was never really Joey's forte) - wadding them into paper balls and throwing them surreptitiously to Kaiba's desk. Because Joey's aim could only be described as atrocious, only a few of the notes actually made it to Kaiba. Needless to say, half of the class was pelted with Joey-Love-Note Bullets.

Apparently Kaiba had had quite enough of Joey's notes from the previous class, and did not want to look at anymore of the blonde's papers. He threw them right back without even bothering to open any of them. Unfortunately for the blonde, Kaiba's aim was much better, and had a lot more force behind them.

Having his rejected notes thrown back at his face probably wouldn't have been so bad if they hadn't hit him smack dab in the middle of his already tender and bruised forehead.

Jumping in sudden excruciating pain as his skin was brutally mauled was probably not a good idea when Joey had already been leaning his chair precariously backwards. His precious balance was ruined, and the hapless blonde tumbled to the floor.

Falling down to the ground – which was covered in questionable sticky, nasty _things_ - wouldn't have been so bad either, if he hadn't been placed right next to the old, rickety bookshelf in the back of class that the teachers had probably not replaced in the last century. Sadly, the antique furniture did not seem to be able to withstand the blow, and crumbled into dust.

Now Joey had detention after school for destruction of school property. Personally, Joey thought he had done the school a public service. It was a death trap waiting to happen, waiting to attack some poor innocent student, much like himself.

Joey sighed forlornly at the idea of spending an hour of his precious Valentines' Day in an empty classroom writing lines of repentance for desecrating a supposedly historical part of the school. Come _on_. It was a _bookshelf_, for crying out loud!

_Wait!_

Maybe he could convince Seto to join him in detention and keep him company. You know, put that empty classroom to good use. And after they finished their hot, steamy session of man sex, Kaiba would offer to complete Joey's required lines of repentance for him. Just because Kaiba loved him _that much_.

As if hearing his thoughts, Kaiba swiveled around in his chair and sent an icy glare that promised unspeakable methods of slow and painful death in his direction.

On second thought, Joey thought hurriedly, Seto was a busy person – Joey was reasonably sure it took a lot of effort to be a top-class bastard - and probably had other things to do with his limited time then spend detention with his soon-to-be boyfriend.

Besides, they could have a whole romantic night ahead of them! Candlelit dinner, violin players in the background, Kaiba hand-feeding Joey and whispering sweet nothings in his ear…

Yeah, he could wait through an hour of detention for _that_. Or maybe just ditch it all together and face double detention the next day. It would all be worth it. Joey went back to day dreaming, drooling slightly as thoughts of Kaiba ran through his head.

After the bell rang and the class emptied out of the room, Joey walked through the halls trying to think of Plan C, seeing as he had spent most of the last hour thinking about what do to _after_ plan C had succeeded.

Well, more like Plan C.5, if one were to count his efforts in the past class as half of a planned attempt.

Joey stopped in the middle of the hall and lifted his head. There, standing some ten feet in front of him was Kaiba, concentrating intently on opening his locker. He seemed to be having a hard time getting the lock to open. Joey felt himself grin impishly, watching the all-powerful CEO tugging futilely at the small piece of metal separating him from his school books.

Strangely, the thought that not everything was going perfect on the brunette on this day made Joey feel slightly happier with the world in general.

Then he frowned as he saw a pretty blonde girl walk up to Kaiba, nervously holding a Valentine out in offering to the brunette. Joey fumed in anger. What the hell! That girl was moving in on _his_ One True Love! The _nerve_.

Fortunately for Joey, Kaiba barely spared a half glance at her, before turning a cold shoulder onto the poor girl. She dejectedly walked away, but behind her Joey could see a whole mob of girls bearing Valentines and chocolates. And Joey would bet his Red-Eyes Dragon that they all had Kaiba's name on it.

Something had to be done about this.

He was about to go over there and immediately mark Kaiba as his territory, in a way that involved a lot of ripping off of Kaiba's clothes and happy, slurpy kisses, when BAM! An idea assaulted Joey's brain.

Yes, yes! It just might work!

A manic, eager expression lit up his face. In fact, he was beginning to resemble Marik after finding innocent victims to subject to his Millennium Rod.

At seeing the blonde's face, the hallway quickly became devoid of anyone – Joey mentally congratulated himself on scaring away Kaiba's fan club – and soon it was only Joey and Kaiba, who had yet to succeed in opening his locker.

This was his chance! He would not waste it! He quickly devised a Plan C.

It was risky, and a rough, sketchy idea at best. It also had a fail rate of about 84.3, but Lady Luck had to join his side sometime!

He took bounding leaps over to Seto, quickly closing the distance between them, with every intention of latching onto him, ripping off his clothes, and after a prolonged, heated make-out session, just telling him that yes, he would love to be his Valentine.

_Genius_.

The running over to his One True Love, however, was proving to be a difficult feat due to his throbbing shin that his self-proclaimed boyfriend-to-be had so thoughtfully given to him.

As the ten feet between them quickly diminished to eight, to five, to two, Joey was surprised that Kaiba hadn't seemed to notice yet. He didn't exactly have the grace of a leaping antelope, and he knew he was making quite a ruckus. Kaiba was either extremely deaf to the racket the blonde was making, or just _really_ wanted whatever the hell was imprisoned in his locker.

At the last second however, Seto's locker finally decided to pop open, the door swinging right into the blonde's face and efficiently stopping him in his tracks.

Joey vaguely registered the feeling of his feet flying out from underneath him, and the weightlessness of being suspended in midair for a split second before gravity did its job and he came crashing back to the cold tile of the hallway below.

Seto looked over his shoulder surprised at the loud crash and resounding thump, and upon not immediately seeing anything, looked down. He was mildly startled to see Joey sprawled on the floor.

Normally, Kaiba would have just walked away. Some things you just know that you don't _want_ to know. And he was _certain_ that he had no desire to find out why Joey had assaulted his locker. And _lost_.

He really wouldn't have cared. But the blonde looked a bit dazed, sobbing about being thwarted and mumbling something about Lady Luck standing him up. Kaiba gave a moment to wonder if there was anyway that Joey could possibly sue him and his locker for brain damage. He quickly dismissed this thought, deciding it couldn't possibly be damaged any further.

Rolling his eyes, Kaiba took out the books he needed before giving the blonde's foot a soft kick to bring him back to reality. When Joey made no move to get up, but just moaned pitifully and rolled over, Kaiba chuckled slightly to himself, telling Joey to get to class because he needed all the help he could get.

Then he left.

The bastard left him to _die_ here.

Joey groaned again, vaguely wondering if God was using him as his own private comedy channel. It wouldn't surprise him. He was probably up there laughing at his misfortunes _at this very moment_. He waved an angry fist at the general direction of the ceiling. Stop it. Stop it _right now_.

He slowly picked himself back up, watching the brunette's retreating back. Kaiba turned around for a brief moment, raising an expectant eyebrow at the blonde, who was still standing next to Kaiba's locker, looking confused. Why had he just left him there, not even offering a hand up like a gentleman should?

When Joey made no movement to come to class right away, Kaiba seemed to shrug to himself, and continued to walk away.

Joey reasoned that Kaiba probably had never even _heard_ of the word gentleman, let alone know how to _act_ like one. After all, one with as little social skills as Kaiba could not be expected to know the etiquette of helping a damsel in distress up to his feet after he has taken a fall.

The blonde sighed, leaning back to rest his head on a locker behind him. It looked like it was time for him to devise a Plan D, seeing as Plan C: Operation Make Out Session of Kaiba's Life didn't come into play.

But was a Plan D even worth it? Nothing Joey did seem to get Kaiba's attention. The brunette just didn't seem to care. Joey quickly shook his head to get of those unwanted thoughts.

Kaiba was just clueless, right? Anti-social and dense as a rock, right?

He was relatively sure the brunette loved him.

* * *

Joey walked dejectedly to his last class, kicking at poor, defenseless pieces of garbage littering the halls of the school. It was finally nearing the end of the day, and he was quickly running out of ideas. Everything he had tried had come to a dead end, the emotionless CEO blocking the way for him. The day's classes had been a long, never-ending parade of failure, and Joey was wondering if it were possible to embarrass himself any further than he had already. 

This would be the cue for the ominous movie music of foreshadowing.

Joey took a moment to reflect back on the day's misadventures so far, and wondered what could have possibly gone wrong.

In Literature class, the teacher had suggested that they read famous love poems and Shakespearian sonnets throughout the hour. The poor young teacher was quite surprised – which is an understatement, as she almost went into convulsions of shock - when Joey had offered to read aloud to the class. Every person in the room, excluding Kaiba who was above such things, had turned to stare openly at Joey, as though they were looking at a three-eyed toad or some other impossible creature. It had definitely been a first, as the only contribution Joey ever made to the class was the sound of his loud snores. Taking the stunned silence of his classmates as an opening of opportunity, the blonde had scooted close to the brunette, and began almost purring the sonnets into Kaiba's ear.

The only response he had been able to elicit was a long, loud, and obviously fake yawn. Joey frowned pensively, wondering why Seto wasn't reacting the way he wanted him to. Granted, it was still a response, which was more than half the female population of Domino High had gotten, but definitely not the one he was shooting for.

In Science class, he strolled leisurely up to the Chemistry lab station, sitting himself next to Kaiba, who had been assigned as Joey's lab partner – entirely due to the whimsical chance of fate, and absolutely _nothing_ to do with the tidy sum that he did _not_ bribe the teacher with.

It should be noted, just to be sure that the readers would never question Joey's morals, that the teacher bought that Porsche with her _own_ money, as teachers are paid just _so well_ these days.

As the professor began to lecture on the safety hazards of using the very flammable chemicals and Joey-would-you-please-put-that-_down-_and-pay-attention-so-you-don't-burn-your-hair-off, the blonde grinned wickedly as he regarded the various glass vials, and his eyes gleamed with a crazed fire. He loudly asked the teacher – read: interrupted in midrant about how Joey was a fire hazard in and of himself - if she knew how to make a love potion, while sending not-so-discreet glances in Kaiba's direction, which all too clearly said _I will make you __**mine**__ if it is the last thing I ever do_.

And Kaiba glared his icy glare, which definitely said something along the lines of, _If you even try to force something down my throat, I will make sure it __**is**__ the last thing you ever do. _Joey laughed nervously, and turned back to his chemicals, wondering if he could do it anyway.

Meanwhile, all of the female population of the class had decidedly perked up, also looking hopefully at Kaiba. Probably planning the best way to ambush him with their own love potions. The teacher laughed nervously, sensing a mob in the forming, and cautiously backed towards the door, deciding that class would be dismissed early for the day.

Joey deflated a little. How was he going to make a scientifically-proven-to-work love potion without someone who was knowledgeable in scientifically-proven stuff? As he contemplated mixing things at random, just to see if it would work, Kaiba then had to go and whisper in the blonde's ear that a love potion would do him absolutely no good whatsoever.

Joey tried to repress the shiver that ran up his spine, and failed horribly. But what did Kaiba mean by that? No good? Joey was slowly losing hope. The brunette loved him, right?

_Right_?

Joey dragged his feet sullenly against the tiled floor while trudging to the last class of the day. This was it. His very last chance to get Kaiba to confess his love to him before the school day was out. If he failed yet again, he would spend the whole day wallowing in self pity. Probably with a couple pounds of chocolate and other comfort foods.

He wearily sat down in his Ancient History class, finally beginning to feel the toll of his endeavors, right next to Seto as always. As stated earlier, and for the safety of his legal standing, the seating arrangements had _nothing_ to do with Joey using his life's savings for monetary bribes. Because that would be, y'know, _illegal_.

The teacher, centering his lesson around Valentine's Day, began to drone on about how the war of Troy had all begun over the love of Helen. While Joey was listening - or pretending to listen, at least - he snuck a shy glance at the brunette beside him, and studied him thoughtfully.

What would it take for Kaiba to confess his love to him? He could understand the CEO being afraid of rejection, which was why he so thoughtfully decided to make it obvious that Joey returned his feelings. His attempts were rather admirable, if he did say so himself. There was only one tiny problem.

Kaiba just didn't seem to be getting any of his hints. He knew Seto was thickheaded, but surely he wasn't _this_ dense. He mentally shrugged. Maybe the brunette just needed a more direct and blatant display of Joey's love.

Joey paused. Yeah. Joey nodded vigorously to himself. _Yeah_. That would do it. He would just have to make it so obvious that there could be no doubt left in Kaiba's mind. He raised a clenched fist wildly in determination, ignoring the teacher as he asked if Joey had a question. Joey decided that an all-out confession would do, just in case.

Joey's amber eyes lit with his passionate fire once again, and the class suddenly got a feeling of impending doom, though they were not sure why. The blonde quickly clambered on top of his desk, much to the surprise and shock of everyone in the room. He looked down at his classmates with a smile that was borderline to insanity.

A few of them decided that yes, this _would_ be a good time to practice fire drills, and immediately evacuated the building.

The teacher seemed to be dumbfounded at the blonde's outburst, mouth hanging slightly open. After a moment, he seemed to regain his cognitive functions, and stammered that though it was really good for Joey to finally get involved in the lesson for once, he should come down from the desk so they could continue. His words were lost on the blonde, however. Joey only continued to smile - it might have been a slightly unhinged smile, sure, but he does get points for enthusiasm - allowing his gaze to fall upon the brunette man-of-his-dreams.

Joey decidedly ignored the violent twitch that he could see forming in Kaiba's eye. It also should be said that the CEO suddenly did not look happy to be in the blonde's presence. No, instead he was eyeing the window furtively, as if he knew what was coming and was contemplating the exact speed and trajectory needed to make a daring escape from the third-story classroom.

Joey took a big breath. This was it. Time to do or die. Preferably the former, as he would hate to die without having thoroughly ravished the CEO at least _once_ in his young life.

He then loudly announced to the class – and a few neighboring classes, as his voice was just _that_ deafening - that he had a love proclamation that he would like to make, so could everyone please pay attention? Good. Then turned the full force of his attention back to the brunette, who looked more amused and exasperated then annoyed.

Seto lowered his head and gave a prolonged sigh at the blonde's idiotic antics. This really had been a long day.

Joey struck a pose on top of the desk that he had turned into his pedestal. He announced, once again, for the sake of making sure everybody was on the same page, that he would like to announce his love to all who could hear him – which consisted of anyone within five miles of his person.

He began to loudly exclaim he was in love with the bestest person in the _whole wide world_, but before he could get to the good part, like the name of his affection, he was harshly pulled back down into his seat as Kaiba gave a hard yank on the back of his shirt. Unfortunately for the blonde, he hit his other, previously unharmed shin on the way down from glory.

Joey sniffed dejectedly, ready to bawl at the injustice of it all. Dammit, _nothing_ was going right! As the tears began to form in the corners of his eyes, despite how hard he tried to stop them, Kaiba harshly whispered in his ear for the pup to _please_ shut up, and that he was only embarrassing himself.

Joey turned and looked at the emotionless blue eyes before him, and the tears began to spill over. He quickly got up and ran out of the class before anyone could stop him.

Back in class, Kaiba sighed again and rested his head on one hand, while massaging one of his temples with the other. Things today had not been going as he had planned…

Teary amber eyes burned in frustration as the blonde stalked down the halls. This wasn't fair! Why didn't the brunette love him? He had been so sure that he had. Now it was rather obvious he didn't.

Joey paused in his angry walking, and hung his head a little. No Valentine for him once again. He tried to chuckle at his own feeble joke, but couldn't quite seem to manage it. He glanced down at his watch, and saw that classes would be dismissed shortly. He didn't really want to deal with his classmates asking him if he was alright.

He decided to head home before he would have to face the CEO again. He thought of the night ahead of him, full of sappy love movies and mountains of chocolate to drown out his sorrow, and sighed forlornly.

If nothing else, at least he'd get a nice sugar high tonight.

He stopped in front of his locker to get his things out for the journey home. Might as well do a little homework as he wallowed in self misery. Yugi would be so proud.

Joey looked at the lock, and realized that in his attempts for a confession, he hadn't had a chance to open the locker all day. It was a good thing he never took notes, seeing as his books and paper were still safely tucked away in some remote corner of the locker.

He debated for a moment to leave it in there for the night, partly for laziness' sake, and partly at the thought of having to brave the unorganized horrors of what lie within. Oh what the hell. Tonight couldn't possibly get any worse. He reached for the lock despite himself and entered his combination.

He cried out in frustration as the lock refused to open for him. Would _nothing_ go right for him today?

He felt tears stinging his eyes again, but couldn't be bothered to care as he banged his fist on the metal door, venting his anger at the world. With one last vindictive punch, his locker finally decided to pop open, and he immediately stopped crying.

Peering inside his locker, he discovered that placed neatly atop the cacophony of his books and paper was a single red rose, a folded note, and what suspiciously looked like a dog biscuit.

He slowly looked from one item to the other, not comprehending how they could have ended up inside his locker. He blinked once, twice, and just for good measure a third time. Yep. The mysterious items were still there. Just an anonymous flower, piece of paper, and—

Wait, a _dog biscuit_! Only one blue-eyed bastard would break into his personal locker – ignoring any and all laws regarding other people's property - and leave something like _that_ in there...

But _why_? Why go through all the trouble for just a silly little mutt like him?

Five minutes later, he realized that mulling the question over would produce him no sort of logical answer, short of just for the thrill of taunting the poor blonde. But breaking and entering – even though it was just a locker – was a little extreme, even for the CEO. He wondered how to go about confronting Kaiba for some damn answers, when he spotted the neatly folded piece of paper.

He quickly grabbed the note, and nearly ripped it in his haste to get to the secrets it held. His eyes devoured the words obsessively, reading it over once, twice, and a third time just to be sure.

And if Joey had fainted from happiness, well, the readers will just have to understand that it had been a _very_ trying day for him.

The letter was short, and to the point. But Joey wouldn't have had it any other way. In fact, he would later frame the note and claim it as his most prized possession.

He read it one last time, and hugged it to his chest.

_Pup- _

_Dinner, my house. 7:00. Don't be late. Or else. _

_P.S. The dog biscuit is chocolate. Eat up._

Joey eyes the dog treat suspiciously. It sure _looked_ like a regular old dog treat. It even had Milkbone stamped on it. But if Kaiba said it was chocolate, it would _probably_ be okay.

Joey nervously took a bite out of the dog biscuit, wondering if Kaiba would poison him, or trick him into eating something he bought from the local pet store. Joey smiled as he tasted the sweet chocolate on his tongue. Score!

He glanced back into the locker and reached for the last item. He gingerly held the rose close to his chest. A mile wide grin covered his face. He forgot his bruised nose, eye, face, head, shins, and any other injuries he had sustained in his quest for his One True Love. It had all been worth it.

He was right. Kaiba loved him. He had known it all along.

* * *

Some ending notes on how the couple spent the rest of their Valentine's Day, after Joey successfully ditched detention, and Kaiba paid for all damages received by the antique bookshelf (which Joey claimed was entirely Kaiba's fault anyway): 

Joey and Seto had a nice, romantic spaghetti dinner, complete with candles and a random violin player in the mansion. Joey attempted, unsuccessfully, to get Kaiba to hand-feed him – to which Kaiba had responded that if he insisted on being a helpless puppy about it, then he might as well eat off the floor. Joey had pouted cutely, and elicited a small smile from the taller teen.

Afterwards, they watched a movie, cuddling on the couch. And sweet, innocent Mokuba most certainly did not exploit this opportunity for personal gain. (The negatives of the pictures he took sold for a record high on ebay.)

Apparently, Seto had blatantly ignored all of Joey's subtle hints (Seto later informed Joey that he was as subtle as a bat to the head, and for future reference to never try anything of the sort again) because he was an arrogant, stubborn bastard who had wanted to confess to Joey in his own way. Joey sighed. Yugi had been right after all.

* * *

There you guys go! Hope you all enjoyed. If you liked it, loved it, or have any helpful suggestions for me, please leave a review! I love to read feedback, and it totally makes my day! 

Thanks, all!

The Mamberz


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